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Thursday, July 29, 2010

Last night, our generous friends Barney and Kathryn took us out for a belated anniversary dinner at Ouest. I wanted to wear something I hadn’t worn yet this year and picked a purple Black Halo dress from 2008 (see the blue version on Debra Messing here). I was running late as usual, so by the time I got the dress on and realized the plunging neckline put too much of my amazing bosom on display for a casual dinner, I didn’t have time to change. I figured I was going to have to talk about myself behind my own back and mutter things like, “HOOKER!” and roll my eyes as I walked by.

I was stressed by how meta this was. It seemed likely I would hear myself badmouthing myself and would have to challenge myself to a fight. Plus, I was having flashbacks to the time I wrote a tongue-in-cheek post about someone finding my blog after searching for “amazing bosom.” An assholian blog, apparently unfamiliar with the concept of “let’s all laugh about funny keyword searches,” wrote about my post as if I were seriously bragging of having an amazing bosom. If I remember correctly (and I might not, but I’m not going to give that blog a single click to check), it also said I was “displaying myself” as though I had posted a night-vision photo of my chimichanga region instead of a picture of myself in an Ossie Clark halter dress. After I commented — under my real name, of course — to complain that the writer was deliberately misreading a humorous post, someone tweaked the wording a little to make me sound less prostitute-y. Jackholes.

Anyway, all this was going through my mind as we waited for our table and then I had a vision that transported me to a higher plane. At first I thought I was having a wonderful hallucination but it turned out that Law & Order SVU actors Christopher Meloni and Richard Belzer were really standing right in front of me! (The latter was cuddling his little white dog.) Admittedly, this vision was not as heavenly as one of Ice-T and Coco and it was far from the “seeing the face of God” experience that would be Sam Waterston and his eyebrows. But it was very, very special because Richard Belzer gives me the horn. I explained the Richard Belzer horn situation in a post that has resulted in traffic every day since from people searching for  “how to wank.” I’ve noticed people are particular interested in “how to wank with mother.” It’s probably the folks from the assholian blog. I could tell they had mommy issues from their excitement over the word “bosom.”

Barney was shocked and disappointed that I didn’t approach my heroes and even more so when I told him how I had failed to tackle my idol, Coco, when I had the chance. Hey, you’d be shy around famous people too if you had my embarrassing Tom Brokaw experiences! But I will now swear in front of you all that I will not blow it if I see Sam Waterston and his brows. Even if I can’t manage to go through with my ambitious plan of kidnapping him, taking him home and making him give long speeches about the Constitution to me until I convict on all counts, I will at least say hello.

Here is a craptacular middle-of-the-night, dog-walking photo of my lopsided amazing Belzer bosom in the Black Halo dress.

I SWEAR I don't look lopsided in real life even though I always do in pictures.

What Wendy Wore
Dress: Black Halo (2008)
Hair: Choppier and slightly asymmetric from that afternoon’s haircut by Keith Carpenter
Shoes: Louboutin (guesstimate — 2008)
Necklace: My own Cleopatra design
Dogs: Gigi (left) and Henry (right)
Bra (because Miss Peelpants inquired): U-plunge by Fashion Forms

UPDATED TO ADD: Why did no one ever tell me about muppet Richard Belzer?!?

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49 Responses to “What Wendy Wore: Amazing Belzer”

  1. Amy says:

    You look incredible! If I had a figure like that, damn right I’d be bragging about it – you should start :)

  2. Jemina says:

    Wendy, you are hilarious!!! and please tell COCO I said hi if you see her!!!!! XOXO, j :D

  3. Miss Peelpants
    Twitter: misspeelpants
    says:

    Ha ha!! That reminds me, you need to let me know about that bra you mentioned the other week.

    You don’t look lopsided. If that’s lopsided, I should like to look lopsided. Sadly, I can only ever look flat-sided ;)

  4. Thom says:

    Speaking for men everywhere – fuck those fucking fucks. (And yes, I can speak for men everywhere. It’s a gift.)

  5. Poochie
    Twitter: ShoeDaydreams
    says:

    Now I want that dress, dammit.

    Oh, and you should have grabbed them. I’m sure they would have loved it.

  6. Jennifer says:

    Love Ouest. Sounds like a fun celebration. You look fabulous MissB, no matter the time.

  7. That dress is gorgeous. You look stunning. fantastic post.SarahD:)

  8. Retro Chick says:

    That is an amazing bosom though.

  9. elena daciuk says:

    ok…i was laughing so hard reading this…i love your sense of humor…and…um…you look fabulous…especially while walking the dogs…love the dress! happy anniversary!

  10. Elizabeth says:

    You look lovely! There isn’t even a faint waft of hooker about that outfit.

  11. erindyan says:

    Not too much at all! I think that’s the perfect amount of boobtacular for dinner. And I want a better lit pic of your amazing new hair!~

  12. Damn, that dress is on FIRE!

    I would never think that Stabler and Munch would hang together in real life! Awesome.

    • WendyB
      Twitter: WendyBrandes
      says:

      I know! That’s what made it twice as exciting. I always imagined these TV people avoid each other in real life. Like it’s all catfighting and stuff. But I guess I’m wrong! And Stabler looked GREAT! Better than on TV.

  13. deja pseu
    Twitter: dejapseu
    says:

    oh MAN. I’d have definitely gone all googly over Belzer and made an absolute ass of myself. I’m admiring your restraint as well as your amazing bosom. (Amazing Bosom sounds like it should be an old-timey hymn that makes the little kids giggle.)

  14. stacy says:

    3 words for you… HOT, HOT, HOT. Nice cleavage.
    How could you not say “Hello” to Richard B? I would have forced you. Ice-T and Coco… oh thank God you didn’t see them or you would have lost your appetite.

    Assholian is a great word. Very Beavis and Butt-Head!

  15. See this is why you’re intriguing – you’re unapologetic even in the face of extreme jackholery and you have a Belzer fixation. I always used to suggest my friend Maria had one of those but I fear hers was only pretend.

    He was pretty good in “Homicide” though, where he played the same character as his L&O one. I think that’s his REAL character. :) I’m pretty sure he’d have enjoyed a little Wendy B. attention. When he’s not enjoying thinking about UFOs and conspiracy theories and such. Ha!

    • WendyB
      Twitter: WendyBrandes
      says:

      I never watched Homicide while it was on but now that you point this out, I have decided I need to get every episode on DVD.

  16. Pearl Westwood
    Twitter: pearlwestwood
    says:

    How to wank with mother LOL!!!

  17. hammie says:

    aside from nominating assholian for the dictionary I want to congratulate you on your fabulous boobs.
    And I can spend HOURS watching anything with muppets.
    xx
    (happy anniversary)

  18. Fasshonaburu
    Twitter: fasshonaburu
    says:

    you look motorboat-rific!

  19. umm.. you looked great in that picture bosoms and all lol. i probably would have done the same thing if i saw my favorite L&O actors. actually i would probably melt.

  20. lisa says:

    You look gorgeous!

    BTW your mention of Coco reminded me of something. You probably know about it already, but she’s on Twitter (@cocosworld) and it’s a verified account!

  21. Sally
    Twitter: sallymcgraw
    says:

    If you’d nudged Belzer for a handshake while wearing that dress, I bet HE’D have fainted. You’re a vision!

  22. bravegrrl says:

    they need to use this photo to sell that dress.. cuz i clicked on the link and you make the dress look totally different!

    wow! you are one hot mama!!! love the red lips too, the perfect accessory for that dress :)

  23. Midtown Girl says:

    You definitely look boobalicious!! And I love your hair this way, tres chic <3

  24. Well that dress looks amazing on you!

  25. Martha says:

    I like ur dress! ♥

    http://waronclothes.blogspot.com/
    new post – new inspirations < 3

    Bisou Bisou ;);*

  26. Winnie says:

    Holy Moly, I’ve never seen someone walking their dogs look that hot/glamourous! Only you, Wendy, only you!

  27. Sheila says:

    I will admit, I have admired your amazing bosom, Wendy. They are spectacular!

    You look amazingly gorgeous in that dress. Wow!

  28. enc says:

    I think your neckline is beautiful and I envy your size; I wish I had enough up top to fill out a dress like that. Your presentation is very tasteful indeed.

    Those jackholians ought to check out the “bitty” sketches from Little Britain if they want to plunge themselves into their Mommy issues.

  29. Bosom. Teehee! It is a funny word; makes me think of old ladies who smell of talcum powder and keep hankies tucked in their bras. Perhaps you could call them your ginormous knockers instead.

  30. Emma
    Twitter: dailyclothesfix
    says:

    That dress is amazing. Loving your accessories (Gigi and Henry).

  31. Maddy
    Twitter: maddytweetz
    says:

    Gigi and Henry are cuties!! You know how I feel about Pekingese ;o)

  32. Nickie Frye says:

    That dress looks fabulous on you. Forget the assholians or whatever. ;)

  33. Miss Janey says:

    WendyB look HOTTAStic as always. What’s with the pooch refusing to look at the camera?

  34. Fantastic dress! Now: today on 5th Ave I saw a slim, blonde woman wearing a maxi pink dress with a very visible black thong. *That* was worthy of behind-the (ahem) back chatter, not your gorgeous dress . . .

  35. wow, wendy, u look stunning!!! yikes, sorry to hear about the post those bloggers wrote about u. jerks! what?! u didn’t approach them?!! lol ur pups are adorable, btw:)

  36. Jill says:

    Purple does your bosom proud!

    You know I’m all for a little bosom exposure now and then.

  37. I’ve noticed people are particular interested in “how to wank with mother.” It’s probably the folks from the assholian blog. I could tell they had mommy issues from their excitement over the word “bosom.”

    You kill me. Really. I mean, a woman who can write the hell out of anything, design amazing jewelry, and look like THAT in a dress, with that rack?! You’re MY hero.

    ♥ V

    http://www.gritandglamour.com

  38. How dare you tempt me with your adorable dogs!!

  39. PinkBow says:

    it’s a stunning dress, you wear it well.

  40. silje says:

    You look amazing! Keep rockin your wardrobe of stylish dresses.