Thursday, July 29, 2010
Last night, our generous friends Barney and Kathryn took us out for a belated anniversary dinner at Ouest. I wanted to wear something I hadn’t worn yet this year and picked a purple Black Halo dress from 2008 (see the blue version on Debra Messing here). I was running late as usual, so by the time I got the dress on and realized the plunging neckline put too much of my amazing bosom on display for a casual dinner, I didn’t have time to change. I figured I was going to have to talk about myself behind my own back and mutter things like, “HOOKER!” and roll my eyes as I walked by.
I was stressed by how meta this was. It seemed likely I would hear myself badmouthing myself and would have to challenge myself to a fight. Plus, I was having flashbacks to the time I wrote a tongue-in-cheek post about someone finding my blog after searching for “amazing bosom.” An assholian blog, apparently unfamiliar with the concept of “let’s all laugh about funny keyword searches,” wrote about my post as if I were seriously bragging of having an amazing bosom. If I remember correctly (and I might not, but I’m not going to give that blog a single click to check), it also said I was “displaying myself” as though I had posted a night-vision photo of my chimichanga region instead of a picture of myself in an Ossie Clark halter dress. After I commented — under my real name, of course — to complain that the writer was deliberately misreading a humorous post, someone tweaked the wording a little to make me sound less prostitute-y. Jackholes.
Anyway, all this was going through my mind as we waited for our table and then I had a vision that transported me to a higher plane. At first I thought I was having a wonderful hallucination but it turned out that Law & Order SVU actors Christopher Meloni and Richard Belzer were really standing right in front of me! (The latter was cuddling his little white dog.) Admittedly, this vision was not as heavenly as one of Ice-T and Coco and it was far from the “seeing the face of God” experience that would be Sam Waterston and his eyebrows. But it was very, very special because Richard Belzer gives me the horn. I explained the Richard Belzer horn situation in a post that has resulted in traffic every day since from people searching for “how to wank.” I’ve noticed people are particular interested in “how to wank with mother.” It’s probably the folks from the assholian blog. I could tell they had mommy issues from their excitement over the word “bosom.”
Barney was shocked and disappointed that I didn’t approach my heroes and even more so when I told him how I had failed to tackle my idol, Coco, when I had the chance. Hey, you’d be shy around famous people too if you had my embarrassing Tom Brokaw experiences! But I will now swear in front of you all that I will not blow it if I see Sam Waterston and his brows. Even if I can’t manage to go through with my ambitious plan of kidnapping him, taking him home and making him give long speeches about the Constitution to me until I convict on all counts, I will at least say hello.
Here is a craptacular middle-of-the-night, dog-walking photo of my lopsided amazing Belzer bosom in the Black Halo dress.
What Wendy Wore
Dress: Black Halo (2008)
Hair: Choppier and slightly asymmetric from that afternoon’s haircut by Keith Carpenter
Shoes: Louboutin (guesstimate — 2008)
Necklace: My own Cleopatra design
Dogs: Gigi (left) and Henry (right)
Bra (because Miss Peelpants inquired): U-plunge by Fashion Forms
UPDATED TO ADD: Why did no one ever tell me about muppet Richard Belzer?!?