Wendy Brandes Jewelry Blog

Never Is the Next New Thing

You Give Me (Nonexistent) Fever

by

I got a little hoarse yesterday.

Not this kind of horse. The throat kind.

Not this kind of horse. The throat kind.

Considering I have two sales coming up, this hoarseness made me very nervous. I took my temperature and it was 99.1. This is basically normal, but, because it wasn’t exactly 98.6, I decided I must be coming down with swine flu. Normally I don’t worry about such things, because I am related to germaphobes to whom I delegate such concerns. Apparently, my relatives are not doing their jobs thoroughly because after the swine flu thought oinked its way into my mind, my imagination took flight and I was soon wondering if a lawyer would make an emergency house call to record my last will and testament.

I started wishing I had a second-best bed to leave to someone, like Shakespeare did, because that would be amusing. People might say of me: “She was like Shakespeare, only without the good writing! She left her second-best bed to someone. That is amusing.” However, I only have one bed and MrB will probably want to sleep in it. All I have is jewelry and clothes and handbags and shoes. I feel exactly like Carrie on that Sex and the City episode, except that I am not at all like Carrie and have sensible things like retirement accounts. It’s just not enjoyable to mentally distribute retirement accounts while having a panic attack. Retirement accounts don’t have any razzle-dazzle. If I have to give away my retirement account — because I’m dead and all that jazz — my attitude would be, “You win some, you lose some.” Thinking of a stranger wearing my mint-green Ossie Clark dress is much more conducive to an attack of the crazies.

You'll have to pry it from my feverish/dead hands.

You'll have to pry it from my feverish/dead hands.

In the midst of all this, a friend of mine who is a therapist emailed me. She was very helpful, as always. She’s never charged me for her help. I’m alarmed by the tab I’m running up with her. I wonder if some day she’s going to present me with a giant bill, like on Family Guy when Peter runs up a tab at the pharmacist and has to sell Meg into slavery to pay it. (Among the things Peter buys are eight crates of ipecac used in a vomiting contest.) In partial repayment of the tab, I hope my friend will enjoy this video of the incomparable Peggy Lee singing Fever. The pleasure of a musical interlude is surely worth a great deal of money.

At least I’m not as deranged as the people having swine flu parties. I found out about these while I was diagnosing myself online, like any reasonable person does these days. According to my attractive friends at the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, swine flu parties occur when one person in a social circle gets a mild case of Piggy Lee Fever and everyone gathers around, hoping to catch an equally mild version and develop immunity to the virus. The CDC people, in addition to being attractive, are too polite to react to this by saying, “You are a bunch of fucking* morons.” Instead, they say:

CDC does not recommend “swine flu parties” as a way to protect against 2009 H1N1 flu in the future. While the disease seen in the current 2009 H1N1 flu outbreak has been mild for many people, it has been severe and even fatal for others. There is no way to predict with certainty what the outcome will be for an individual or, equally important, for others to whom the intentionally infected person may spread the virus.

In conclusion, don’t be a fucking moron and go to swine flu parties. Do be a genius and, if you’re in New York, come to my holiday sale at Zang Toi on Thursday and my pop-up shop on Friday and Saturday. I’ll see you there … even if I have imaginary swine flu. I’m being helpful and building up your imaginary immunity!

zanginvite

wendy brandes pop-up shop

*That is especially for my readers who have complained that I don’t swear as much as I used to. After all, I did win a Drysdale award for bad language. I don’t want to be like an actor who wins an Oscar and never again does anything worthwhile.

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Glad to hear you aren’t for real piggy infected. Thank you for keeping us current with the cussing. I only get to do it after hours now once the dude has gone down. Ah ha ha. You, cocktails and me not being able to go equals some majah pouting. That’s how I roll…like a toddler.

  2. Whenever I thought I was coming down with something my mother would say, “You’re just overdoing, dear”. Could you, with so many sales, be overdoing?

  3. Tis the season to overdo. Hang in there, take good drugs and I hope you don’t get any worse. I won’t go any flu parties, but I’ll give you a (hug) and hope you feel better to get through all that you have planned.

  4. Will you please leave your imaginary second-best bed to me in your imaginary, Shakespeare-inspired will?

    Also, stop blogging and go take a nap! Sleep will cure what ails ya.

  7. Hope you’re back in full-throated glory in time for your pop-up shop! I like those Ricola lozenges myself. Those swine flu parties are indeed pretty moronic. Meanwhile everyone I know is carrying hand sanitizer now.

  8. Hi there-wishing you a very speedy recovery for your sale, really hope you feel better asap!! And over strangers in your Ossies, I’m feeling very queasy at the thought, that just cannot happen!!

  9. Hot damn Wendy, so many colorful references! Hilarious when Peter sells Meg… oh you don’t have to give your second-best bed, we’ll just pillage the jewelry, shoes and clothes. You can keep the retirement fund!

  10. OMG! Try to get plenty of rest! This piggy flu is FREAKING ME OUT! If it weren’t for my crappy bank account I would hop on a plane and drop by your ZANG TOI HOLIDAY SALE! Have lots of FUN!:))
    xoxox,
    Gerri

  11. When’s the San Francisco holiday sale?

    Even though my favorite amazing pieces (Lady Jane Necklace, Queen of Scots Earrings, Eleanor Necklace) are out of my price range, I wish I could attend to see them in person.

    Feel better.

  12. So many good things all in one post: Peggy Lee; Pony; and your mint green Ossie dress. Yet, it is hard to enjoy them all knowing you are sick. Feel better soon! Hope the hoarse leaves you and you are back to feeling Pony very soon.

  13. In Miss J’s opinion, a swine flu party should be viewed as a Darwinian event- something to perhaps rid the world of its excessive fucking morons. Miss J wouldn’t attend one, of coure. But she would attend Miss Wendy’s event if she lived in NY.

    Hope its a blast!

  14. So fucking happy to see your foul mouth back in action, Wendy! I guess that means you can’t really be sick, eh?

    You just leave that Ossie dress to me – you know I will do it justice!

    A cup of hot tea will get your temperature back down (Earl Grey with a splash of Drambuie is pretty fab). Go do it, sister!

  16. I LOL’d so many times at this post. Hilarious! If I’d known this post was going to be such a great mood elevator I would’ve read it first thing this morning instead of trying to wrestle my work email account into submission.

    Rest up and stop staying up so late undoing Gordian knots out of necklaces. Sending healing vibes your way. 🙂

  17. I so wish I lived closer so I could pop by your sale. I am a constant “Lurk on Wendy’s site and drool over the pretty things”-sort-of-girl.

  21. i have to admit i’m a semi-moron. when one of my co-workers showed some swine flu-like symptoms, i told him to pass it on to me so i could get immune to it before i try to get pregnant. glad to hear the CDC is highly discouraging it, i am now staying away as far as i could from such co-worker. =)

  23. you are so funny! i laugh out loud at your entries.

    i was thinking, have you ever done a post where you showcase your non-wendyb jewelry? i wanna see some of your collection — i bet it’s astounding!

  24. Hi Wendy,
    I should get U some Caribbean “bush” tonic to chase away every germ…recipe later.

    Nov 19 is my B’Day & I got the best gift…NEW YORK VINTAGE bought my Wedding Day OSSIE!

    I love NY & NY loves Ossie. U look amazing in the green Ossie…will share photos of him tomorrow.

  25. WB….oh, I am just laughing at the Oscar-winning actor analogy-too funny!

    My goodness, I do wish I was in the NYC to come to your party tomorrow-you just don’t even know. The South is so very far away.

    Glad you don’t have H1N1 and aren’t attending swine flu soiree. I did not know of such a party…except just a bunch of drunk ass people coughing on each other in the ER waiting room.

  27. I hope you aren’t swine sickles! Chances are, it’s the typical cold weather seasons changing flu. I can’t wait to hear about your two events this weekend!

  28. Classic siren song.
    I wanna wear a black sequin mermaid dress and sing this song in a mysterious club in a secret location in Paris on a full moon. There I said it.

    I love small horse, so cute.

    Take care pretty and good luck on your sales!

  29. I always find that if I ignore the fact that I’m sick then I get better quicker (maybe it’s all in my head but it works for me). And you crack me up.

  31. I was a little bummed when I was told the flu shot I just got doesn’t protect against swine flu! Hopefully you’re just having a regular sinus infection… and on another note, that little pony is adorable! I cuddled with a police horse in Washington Square Park the other day, but this pony is even cuter! Aww. 🙂

  32. 1 – You do not have swine flu;
    2 – Both events will be absolutely fabulous x 100, so no more worrying for you;
    3 – I have just enough space in my closet to safe keep that fantastic Ossie Clark dress..

    mint-green looks delish on me, seriously…Ill show you.

    XOXO
    Amy

  35. You look amazing in that Ossie Clark number. That photo of the horse and the minature pony is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen!

  36. You really can’t afford to get sick. Not only do you have jewelry to sell, but you have posts to write for my entertainment!