Wendy Brandes Jewelry Blog

Never Is the Next New Thing

Let WendyB Rate Your Shame

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I’ve been trying to remember which acquaintance told me a story that ended in the words “…so I was embarrassed in front of Eddie Money.”

I’ve also been trying to remember what kind of terrible faux pas would put Eddie Money in a position to judge your ass.

If you’re the one with the Eddie Money story, please admit it in the comments. If you’re not the one who was embarrassed in front of Eddie Money, tell me another embarrassing story in the comments. Then I will rate its severity according to the celebrity who is entitled to look down on you:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow, for very minor offenses, like saying, “Nice to meet you” to someone you’ve already met.
  • Eddie Money, for stories that are mortifying by any reasonable standards.
  • Whitney Houston, for stories that are truly degrading.
  • Kelly Bensimon, for stories that are so shameful you should be isolated from polite society until your psychosis is under control.

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Comments

  1. I never embarrassed myself in front of Eddie Money. But if I had, I would have wanted to go back…so I could do it all over.

  2. This story LITERALLY put Eddie Money in a position to judge MY ass.

    So, it was the last day of my trip to Italy to teach English to a group of Spaniards (I know, what?). It was a fun two weeks hanging out in Rome and Umbria but also a bit of a downer as well – see, I had been fired from my job the day before I left on my vacation. Needless to say, I wasn’t in the best spirits, and certainly more so at the prospect of having to leave Rome and return to a scary, jobless existence.

    Anyhoo, I was on the train heading to the airport, wearing a black dress I bought there and sitting on top of my heavy backpack.

    Train arrived at the airport, I got up, put my backpack on and walked off the train… through the terminal… to the airport…. through the airport….

    This seemed liked a very long journey, especially as my backpack was extremely heavy from my sorrowful shopping sprees. Lot’s of walking and taking the moving sidewalks to finally get to the right end of the terminal.

    So, as I am standing on the moving sidewalk and letting people on the left pass, a girl from group of American girls tap me on the shoulder.

    I hear their giggling.

    One whispers to me “No one has told you this yet but your dress is tucked up into your backpack.”

    !!!??

    I think I thanked them… all I know is that my heart stopped, I froze and then slowly felt around behind me.

    There was nothing but bare ass.

    Yup, I chose to wear a thong that day too.

    So there you go. For about 10 minutes, I was walking around the Rome airport with the back of my dress pulled completely up, my full, bare and dare I say LARGE ass, TOTALLY ON DISPLAY FOR EVERY LIVING PERSON IN THAT AIRPORT. FOR TEN MINUTES.

    Such a fitting end to that trip, I tell you, and will always be one of the most mortifying experiences of my life.

    Now… JUDGE ME!

    Lusty x0x0

    PS word verification is positano… damn Italians!

    • This is a most excellent story. I laughed out loud. You get credit for that. Plus it seems that you were neither on drugs nor having a psychotic breakdown during the ass exposure. You score bonus points for not being commando at the time (that would earn a “Tara Reid.”) Considering all the extenuating circumstances, I’m going to rate this “Eddie Money.”

  3. Ironically my anti-spam word is “so hungry” I’ve been sick with food poisoning for two days and yep I am! As for the embarrassing stories… I’ll never tell. Come to think of it the most embarrassing story has to do with being present when a friend grilled a famous punk star about what it was like to be in that band at that time. I was mortified as it was one of the most uncool things I had ever been witness to! It still makes me cringe! In spite of that, later in the evening both he and his friend were the recipients of my very evil temper!
    XXX
    Suzanne

  4. I’m racking my brain, but the only thing that comes to mind is attending my best friend’s 5th birthday party commando, and then hanging upside-down on the jungle gym. His mom was WAY more embarrassed than I.

  5. Miss J is only to happy to share her shame. ( see her blog!) Anyhoo, in the late 90s, Miss J and her BFF Miss Erin were celebrating… something. They chose the Chateau Marmont for the high likelihood of star sightings and/or OD-ing. They hit the JACKPOT that night. Keanu Reeves was at a table in the bar. Miss J & Co tried to buy him a drink. He refused, very politely. So Miss J & Miss Erin drank his drinks for him. Later they encountered Christopher Walken (Miss Erin’s very favorite) in an elevator and asked him if he’d like to join them for a theesome. He also politely refused, very embarrassing. They’re still not sure what he said, but he said it in the inimitable Walken way. Next they were about to leave but saw Stephen Rea so stayed. They stalked him for a bit… some of this is vague now- alcohol, ya know. They ended up in an elevator with Stephen Rea bitching them out for “stalking”. Imagine! Dude, wtf? If you didn’t want to be stalked, why’d you become an actor? Jackass! Miss J is pretty sure they’d have been properly shamed were they not so lit.

    • The only thing that would make this story better is if you serenaded Stephen Rea with “It’s Not Right, but It’s Okay.” I’m impressed. You earn a Whitney.

  6. I’m always awkward whenever I go to fast food shops because I never go there unless I have no choice and I’m extremely hungry. So if I go there in a long time, I have forgotten how to order or how to get soda out of a machine! That always embarrass me!!

  8. Oh, there are so many. (I laughed hard at Wanderlusting’s story, the humanity!). Here’s the one I’ll never forget:

    I was 14 years old and travelling in a motorhome (I always go in style) with my family – mom, dad, three brothers and my grandfather, to my aunt’s cottage. I went into the bathroom and you know, I got on and let whiz. All of a sudden the vehicle swerved hard and I got thrown head first THROUGH the LOCKED door, skidding to an abrupt stop on my face with my shorts and underpants around my ankles, bare ass in the air. Everyone was staring at me with their jaws hanging and a look in their eye that is at once taking in the horror of the scene and wanting desperately to look away, but their heads betray them by remaining fixed on the hideous spectacle. I scrambled back into the bathroom and slammed the door, the excruciating silence suddenly disturbed by a chorus of deafening laughter from my cackling family.

    I didn’t come out for a while.

  9. My most embarrassing story? Well, that one the CIA as forbidden me from revealing 😛 But I’ll tell one of my more embarrassing moments.

    So, this (male) “friend” of mine were sitting on a bench in a deserted park next to a walking path (at night), and might have been making out a bit. We heard footsteps on the path, and sort of quickly shifted around so it looked, at a first glance, like we were just you know, a girl sitting on a guys lap. This guy walks into view, and it was my english teacher from the sixth grade, who knows my family pretty well. I was mortified!

  10. Hmmm…embarrassing stories? After drinking complimentary wine on an empty stomach, I fainted on a table with wheels, it rolled forwards and I slumped onto the floor. What’s worse? It was a antique ready to be auctioned off the next day!

    Lesson learned…always, always eat before you have a drink!

  11. just happened yesterday, my dad told me he got engaged to his gf. i don’t really mind except i think she’s kind of stalker-ish since once he moved into a new neighborhood she literally sold her house and moved right down the block from him.

    so after he told me the news i decided to text my bf about it. i wrote ‘hey my dad’s getting married! to the crazy lady who stalks him haha’ and then of course accidentally sent it instead to my future stepmom as she is right above my bf on the name list. so humiliating. i tried to back out of it and say ‘crazy’ was just a fun nickname for her but she did not buy it.

  12. How about having one too many at a wedding and performing a one woman show in the middle of the dance floor. In my stupor I thought everyone was circling me, cheering me on like an 80s prom…Yeah, no. I’ve since seen video. I was just bustin’ a movie all by my lonesome.

  15. Did I tell you the time when I was at a dinner party and said a sentence describing a woman in even more crude anatomical language than normal? An older woman across the table of 20 guests said,
    “Such filthy things come out of such a beautiful mouth”. I was mortified. It hasn’t stopped my cursing, but now I tend to take a look around the table first.

    So maybe, I’m a “crack is whack”?

  16. speaking of period snafus-

    the day I got my period, I kind of freaked out that morning and didn’t tell anyone. To this day I cannot figure out why, I didn’t even tell my mom. I think I felt that if I ignored it, it would go away (dont we all wish). We went together to church as a family and I was in full bleeding mode AND because I didn’t tell anyone, I didnt have a pad on. Long story short, after church we went home and I took off the white pantyhose my mom had made me put on – oblivious to the blood stains and left them in the living room (!?!) and went to play in the backyard. Soon I had my very conservative Catholic father coming to find me and tell me to put my “dirty” things away. I went to see what he was talking about and I think I was ready to die then and there. Almost as emberrasing as having my sister find my journal in sixth grade where I wrote that I wanted to have sex with this boy in class, meanwhile I didn’t even know what sex was or how it was done.

    I think my whole tween/teenagehood was one big ball of emberrasment.

  17. This is fantastic!

    okay… worst moment ever – my 22nd b-day, my girlfriends got me insanely drunk at one bar and then took me to another with a giant dance floor. I was a total mess so, they propped me up against a wall so I could sober up (and they had their own guy-hunting agenda). I was doing okay until I thought I had to burp. Nope. I projectile vomitted Exoricist style across the dancefloor. As far as I know, no one saw me. I wiped the corners of my mouth and made it to the bathroom (which in platforms and a slick concrete floor and drunk, was like ice skating). I made it to the bathroom w/out falling on my ass, puked some more in the stall, all over my pants. Made it to the sink, threw a leg in the sink and tried to wash my pants off. All the girls in there were helping me… doing a better job than my shitty friends. I made it back out and finally someone checked on me and brought me water. Total disaster.

  18. This earns a Whitney. Yes, Whitney Houston would be ashamed of you for bothering to clean it up. She would have worn it proudly!

  19. for third party embarrassment – a while back while going out we witnessed one really drunk girl being held up by her friends in front of the bar. She was slumping and falling over, basically on the verge of dying. At one point she really did fall and she must have been wearing a strapless wrap dress because we could not figure out what happened, but her dress fell off. The worst part was that her friends did not notice and she stood there in her bra and panties, in heels in front of a bar where hundreds of people stood. I felt so bad for her, eventually nice friends noticed and threw the dress back on her. But I wonder if they told her the next day.

  21. I have too many stories to relate, so I’ll share this mild one:

    One night, when I was about 13 (read 1979), my friend Jenny and I were watching a late-night music show on tv—probably Don Kirshner’s Rock Concert. The show was featuring a leather jacket-clad guy with a shag haircut singing about being in love. He was pretty sweaty and his hair kept getting stuck to his face. I’d never seen nor heard of the guy before. I told my friend I liked his music. As I remember it, the host interviewed the singer about his life, and the singer told the host he used to be a cop, but was doing music now.

    It was Eddie Money.

    I’d never admit to anyone now that I liked that song.

    (Hmmm, did I just admit that on your blog?)

  22. That sounds like a great end to a story, lol. I get embarrassed daily, do I have to get into it on a public comment thread? lol

  23. Even though I’m a year late with my story, just linked to this and couldn’t stop laughing!
    Here’s my story:
    Took a solo vacation to Bermuda and almost immediately hooked up with a hot Jamaican chef. Stayed over one night at the house he shared with his equally hot brother. The bathroom was only accessible by going thru the brother’s bedroom.
    Woke up late the next morning and had to pee. Listened for a bit and didn’t hear anything so figured the brother was either sleeping or gone.
    It was hot and I was nude. Decided to quietly and quickly skip to the loo. The brother’s bed was empty so I reached to open the bathroom door. Just as I do, the brother walks out of the bathroom with a towel around him, post- shower! We look at each other for a minute and I say, “Ooops!” and turn and walk out of the room. So he not only saw the front of me – he also got to check out my ass!!
    In retrospect, I should have just thrown his hot self down on the bed but didn’t.
    That part I saved for the third brother, obviously another story….
    Love your blog, Wendy! You always make me 🙂