Wendy Brandes Jewelry Blog

Never Is the Next New Thing

She Who Must Be Obeyed

by

It’s my birthday today. I was going to lie and tell y’all that I just turned 13. I’ve always wanted to be an ingenue. Plus, young blogging dynamo Tavi said she wouldn’t mind my jacking her style, age-wise.

My plans were thwarted after gorgeous blogger Jayne included me in a “Chic of the Week” post, prompting equally-gorgeous-but-possibly-suicidal blogger Lexie to comment:

“WendyB does the statement piece sooooo well. She’s gonna kill me for saying this, but I hope I am so fearless about fashion when I am her age.”

Lexie, I briefly considered killing you. But after the shock passed,  I nearly laughed a gummy bear out my nose. I was indeed eating gummy bears at the time. How amazing would it be if I HADN’T been eating gummy bears and laughed one out my nose anyway? Imagine having a magical nose full of gummy bears! Anyway, I digress. Though I was dismayed to learn I was someone about whom people could say things such as “…when I am her age” (I now know how you feel, Iris Apfel!), I must concede that I am old enough* to be Lexie’s mother. In fact, I am old enough to be the mother of a few of you readers. This means that I get to tell you what to do. You have to obey me because I’m not actually your mother and there’s no reason to get all genetically resentful on my ass. Listen up, little bitches:

  • You can not go out of the house DRESSED LIKE THAT.
  • Go back upstairs and put a shirt/pants on.
  • Don’t speak to me that way. GO UPSTAIRS. What did you just say? Oh really? You’ve lost cell phone privileges for a week.
  • I found naked photos of you on your cell phone. Now you’ve lost phone privileges for a year.
  • Turn that music down.
  • Stay out of the liquor cabinet.
  • Cigarettes will kill you.
  • I can smell tobacco on you!
  • Get off the computer and read a book.
  • Do your homework before Facebook.
  • You can’t borrow the car.
  • It’s not that I don’t trust YOU. I don’t trust THEM.
  • Do not post your bikini photos on Facebook. The admissions officers at Yale/Ramapo College/wherever do not need to see your belly.
  • Yes, they WILL look you up on Facebook.
  • Turn that music down.
  • Don’t cut class.
  • It’s puppy love. You’ll get over it.
  • TURN THAT MUSIC DOWN!
  • No, you can’t get a tattoo/piercing.
  • I don’t care if everyone else is doing it.
  • For God’s sake, don’t use Twitter to ask your friends to “cop bud” for you!
  • Yes, the admissions officers know how to use Twitter too.
  • I can smell pot on you!
  • You’re grounded until you’re 30.
  • You’re going to rehab.
  • As long as you live under my roof read my blog, you’ll abide by my rules.

I was a well-behaved teenager. I didn’t smoke, drink, do drugs or sex up the boys.** I didn’t have time for such things because I was busy getting A’s, working on the school newspaper, and teasing my hair up to great heights.  I didn’t have to study much, except for every other test in physics (I had a system), so it must have been the hair that took up most of my time. Speaking of that hair, thanks go out to gorgeous blogger Denise of The Swelle Life for turning my 1984/5 photo into an awesome ’80s album cover.

I feel so Patrick Nagel!

*If you’re wondering how old I am, I’ve said it before on the blog. Do the math yourself!

**I had a brief interlude of hard-cider-drinking naughtiness in England, but that was the exception to the rule.

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. BEST.POST.EVER.

    Why?
    -Content
    -Humor
    -Birthday message
    -Tartness of delivery
    -Hair
    -Rules
    -Band Name
    -Magical Gummy Bear Nose

    Need I go on?

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You’re my Idol.

    And btw, I am a year older than you, beeeeyotch!

  2. Happy Birthday Wendy! Hope your big day is fun, and full of gummy bears! (that end up in your stomach though, not in your nose!)
    That is a cool album cover-I bet it would have some great songs!!
    Enjoy your day!!

  5. Happy Birthday dear, you look amazing for what ever age you might be. I feel old in this sea of young ladies and at 32 am wondering why I didn’t start my blog until I was 29. I enjoy your humor and love reading your blog. Your jewelry is pretty great to 😉

  6. Happy Birthday dear, you look amazing for what ever age you might be. I feel old in this sea of young ladies and at 32 am wondering why I didn\’t start my blog until I was 29. I enjoy your humor and love reading your blog. Your jewelry is pretty great to 😉

  9. Happy Birthday Bellinis to you! Well I must say I was quite rebellious and broke a good many of those rules (although no FB or twitter back in the “OLD” days!) And now I’m a boring old fart. But at least I have crazy memories to reminisce with! Love the album cover!
    XXX
    Suzanne (who still listens to music way too loud!)

  14. HAPPY BIRTHDAYxxxx

    I’m printing out your list now in advance for petit garcon. It will be my bible.

    Now no more snorting gummy bears your errant teenager!!

  16. Happy, happy birthday! I hope you have a wonderful day celebrating with loved ones.

    The bit about gummy bears coming out your nose reminded me of an old blog post of yours–at least I think it was yours…it was a giant gummy bear on a stick??

  17. Happy Birthday mi Amiga!!

    My birthday is February 23…23 is OBVIOUSLY a great day!

    My Mother still talks to me like that list and I’m 41…I think I’m 41, maybe I’m 42 now. I’ve totally lost track. It must be all the pot, boozing, and carousing.

  18. I wished I looked as good as you, back when I was your age lol! And whew! since I’m past 30 I don’t think I’m grounded anymore 😀

    A great BIG Happy Birthday to you!!!

    love
    Sherry

  20. Great Post Wendy B. Highlarious even. Hope you have a great Birthday and I’ll be nice and not do the math. 🙂

  21. Happy Birthday, Miss Wendy

    As another “old-enough-to-be-their-mother” blogger (god forbid!) I appreciate the humor. And kids, while Wendy is indeed funny – employers and college folks WILL look you up! Thank god I didn’t have all of this when I was in high school because while I was a book nerd, I had a real smart mouth.

    Okay, enough with the PSA, Happy Birthday!

    Luv
    Poochie

  22. I think I just about bust a gut laughing. The countless time I’ve heard my mom repeat and reiterate a ton of those..AHAHAHA.
    For God’s sake, don’t use Twitter to ask your friends to “cop bud” for you!

    LMAO.

    Happy B’day, W! You’re fabulous and I’m sure you’ll have a blast 😉

    We love you!
    XO
    A*

  25. Wendy you’re so freakin hilarious! i always crack up when i read your posts 😛 love the “list”
    unfortunately i wasen’t very naughty growing up. bugger.

    speaking of statement pieces…i’ve always, always admired your red lippie, you pull it off soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo well!

    merry xmas!

  27. Hi there-A Very Happy Birthday to you my dear-can’t wait to see what lovely outfit you’ll be wearing!! What a fab list too-I can so relate to it, unfortunately because of my age I’m not on the receiving end of a lot of those quotes, LOL!!

  28. Hahaha! Happy birthday miss B! And a Merry christmas and a happy new year too, while we’re at it. I do love that album cover, you better make it the background image on your iphone/other cellphone of choice 😉

  33. I’m not even sure you are old enough to be my older sister.

    Happy birthday, Oh Fabulous One.
    May you reign forever, and with a foul mouth.

  34. Happy Birthday my friend. Keep being fabulous and I’ll keep being inspired by you! Wishing you happiness, today, tomorrow and always. I too am wearing red lipstick in your honor. Smooches! Jen

  36. Happy birthday chica! Although, you do know it’s very inconsiderate of you being born close to christmas and taking some of Jesus’s thunder. 🙂 Ha! Happy birthday. Have a delightful day! 🙂

  38. Wendy I am insanely jealous I did not write this blog post. Its fantastic. I am also insanely jealous of your high school hair. I wanted hair like that when I was in high school and sadly never achieved that goal. I adore you and wish you the MOST fabulous birthday ever!

  39. Miss J was NOT a well-behaved teen-ager so she WILL sass WendyMom back without a second thought:

    “You talk to me that way all the time.”

    “YOU smoke. What a hypocrite!”

    “I hate you!”

    “What are YOU gonna do about it?”

    Oh, and HAPPY Birthday, Hot Mama.

  41. OK, I think I officially hate you now. First, you steal my Blogger of the Year award, and now I learn that you share a birthday with Eddie Vedder!?! IT’S TOO MUCH TO TAKE!!!

    But, remembering that I’m supposed to be full of Christmas cheer or whatever, happy birthday.

  44. Wendy, I can’t express how much I love to read your posts. Is it scary that I’ve used a few of those lines on my 9 year old?

    When I am your age – in approximately 12 minutes – I sure as hell hope I am as fabulous as you. Kxoxo

  47. I’ll vouch for the well behaved teenager part – I was right there with you! And I remember when you came back from England with that hair – you should post a before and after picture 🙂

    Happy Birthday!