When I told y’all that I was on Twitter, I warned you that I had a limited number of topics to tweet about, with a favorite being “I can’t sleep.”
Not long ago, after I tweeted an insomnia complaint, gorgeous blogger Gnarlitude Jen tweeted back a quote from former Gucci designer Tom Ford: “Bedtime ritual: take bath, turn off TV, lay awake for 6-7 hours. Get up.” I loved this quote. It made me feel like Tom Ford and I should be best friends. I thought that if we were best friends, maybe Tom Ford would turn the TV back on and we would watch the 2 a.m. Law & Order Special Victims Unit together and email each other about it. I would write, “Tom Ford, don’t u agree that Ice-T and Richard Belzer deserve more screen time?” And he would write, “How did u get my email? I’m blocking u. Also, stop calling me ‘Tom Ford,’ u crazy bitch.” And I would write, “LMAO, Tom Ford!”
My fantasy world was shattered when I remembered that before designer Marc Jacobs made it his No. 1 goal in life to bother me with his nudity, Tom Ford bothered me with HIS nudity.
I think Tom Ford has a very perky derriere, but I prefer my fashion designers to be fully clothed at all times. I also prefer my pharmacist, dog groomer, dentist and corner drug addict to be fully clothed when I’m around. I’m the opposite of the PETA ads: I’d rather you wear fur than go naked.
There’s an exception to every rule, of course. How did Yves Saint Laurent make it look so elegant? Was it the glasses? The non-buff body? The lack of SpongeBob SquarePants tattoos?
Tom Ford designed Saint Laurent’s namesake line from 2000 to 2003. Saint Laurent said of his successor, “The poor guy does what he can.” Perhaps he was referring to nekkid pictures, as well as clothing design. Hmm. Anyway, if you are a fashion designer about to strip for a photo shoot, my advice is to ask yourself, “Is my name Yves Saint Laurent?” If the answer is no, please do not disrobe.
Speaking of inappropriate nudity, one winter I was in a cab and drove past a naked dude trying to dig up a sidewalk tree with his bare hands. He looked like he might catch a bad cold, so I called 911. I didn’t mind that the 911 operator asked me if I was “the patient.” Maybe I sound like a naked man on the phone. Who knows? I could also put up with the fact that she kept asking me the man’s age even though I told her I was in a cab and he was two, three, four blocks away by now (Even if I were closer, what was I supposed to do? Count the rings on his penis? I think that only works with tree trunks.) I did mind that she transferred me without warning, and after I listened to a lot of static and weird clicks, I had to tell the same story to a fireman, including the fact that I was not the patient and that the patient’s age was unknown. After I clarified everything, the fireman was silent. Trying to keep the converstion going, I helpfully said, “I’m worried that the man might be having a psychotic episode.” And the fireman sarcastically replied, “Ya THINK?!?”
No good deed goes unpunished.
stef m says
I agree: just say no to unnecessary nudity. The story about the naked tree-digger: Classic NY. . .
Tanya Espanya says
I like mens naked bums when said bums are nice.
And indoor naked is good. I get too cold when I run around outside naked…
Lynette says
Count the rings on his penis! Girl, you’re one great big ol’ hoot!
I think the difference in these nude photographs (and the other one of the guy with the ham-colored thigh) rests in the fact that YSL’s photo is a classic idea–something to work toward–while that other guy here with the towel and that other guy there with the writing all over himself will not be able to achieve that plateau. They will forever wallow around as mundane nekkid guys.
Tavi says
Every Tom Ford editorial are pretty much the same. Him, naked. Other people, naked. Some type of food or water….let’s not get detailed…
I felt so betrayed by Marc with those photos! I actually like the Sprouse x LV collection too. Hmmph.
Maybe the naked tree dude was trying to make a point about the environment or something. We’ll say that.
Team 1 says
I think you should have counted the rings on his penis… That was sound advice from the 911 operator. My husband is a certified arborist. He suggests taking a penile core sample.
Bex says
No, Tom Ford. No.
Sharon Rose says
Hi there-LOL, a fabulous post to start my morning!! Poor Tom Ford, being dissed like that by Yves Saint Laurent, thats funny!!
Alicia/InstantVintage says
YSL looks like Austin Scarlett in that photo…
Farren says
Tom Ford looks like he's whipping asses while doing some disco moves. It's weird — but, I like it. I'm going to also admit that I loved MJ int he nude too. Hahahaha.
But, this was the best part of the post: Even if I were closer, what was I supposed to do? Count the rings on his penis? I think that only works with tree trunks.). If I had been drinking something it would've been all over my cmoputer screen ring now. LOL>
LENORENEVERMORE says
you r too funny Wendy! I met Tom Ford at the Heathrow Airport once… he was very humble&sweet! Of course he was showing off his hairy chest as usual…
Have u tried acupuncture for your sleeplessness?…it might work non?
Sweety P says
I def agree about keeping the clothes on. But, I must say Tom Ford has a nice bum-bum. lol.
oh lady e says
I’m betting Yves Saint Laurent did not have monokini tan lines.
Just sayin’.
Jill says
Tom Ford Naked…Yes, please!
CDP says
hilarious. When my husband was a patrol officer, he and a friend responded to a call about possible drug dealing at a town house. The other officer remembered coming to that house, and that the guy had run out the back door when he knocked…so he got my husband to wait at the back door while he banged on the front. Sure enough, as soon as the guy heard “Police…open up!” he ran out the back door. Naked. In February. He was immediately collared by my husband, whose first question was “Dude…it’s cold. How far did you think you were going to get with no clothes on?” That is my naked story for today.
Deirdre says
I thought YSL was Austin Scarlett. Now I’m so disappointed that Austin Scarlett is a YSL copycat.
Duchesse says
I think Tom looks a little saggy compared to Joychunks on the right. There’s always a huge risk in being shot nekkid with other people in the scene. YSL’s vulnerability comes out in his shot.
fashion herald says
if tom’s chest is hairy, why is his ass so gleamingly clean of hair?
couldn’t agree more about ysl – the photo is so much more interesting b/c his expression is so tense and vulnerable. Or, he doesn’t come across as “look at me nekkid!”
K.Line says
WB, gotta disagree with you about Tom. I like him naked. (But man he’s an arrogant idiot.) And YSL was chic in all contexts. I do love that nude portrait of him.
oni says
EVERYONE SHOULD BE NUDE!
~Tessa~Scoffs says
what did his age have to do with anything? Under 40, leave him be. Over 60, he needs a cup of cocoa.
WV: mitin, he could’ve used some
Couture Carrie says
MJ is clearly an exhibitionist. What made that YSL portrait special was that he was rather a recluse and it was so uncharacteristic of him to pose nude!
xoxox,
CC
Danielle says
Count the rings on his penis? oh , that’s good.
Miss Janey says
YSL is demonstating the difference between Good Naked and Bad Naked, so ably discussed in the ’90s on “Seinfeld”.
Good naked: excellent lighting, black and white photography and most importantly, we know the naughty bits are there but we are not confronted with them directly.
Bad naked: weiners (and most crotchal views) and Tom Ford’s ass. Miss Janey thinks its flat and unattractive and should be put away and kept there.
lisa says
Your story made me actually lol at my desk. In other news, I should be wary of nudity in your posts (or stop reading blogs at work). 😛
laia. says
i love naked tom ford!
* Fashion Dreamer * says
Count the rings on his penis…..hilarious!! I’m also not a fan of nude designers either, bit ironic that they design clothes but cant keep their own on!
Shrimpton Couture says
Only in New York
which is why of course I love it
Paul Pincus says
Maybe I sound like a naked man on the phone.
lol! … hysterical … i’m still laughing!
ps i totally wish they would give ice-t and richard belzer more sceen time … they might be my favourite on-screen couple.
Marian says
hilarious post honey! think Yves got away with that nude photo as it was a mix of his un buff body,his intelligence which shone through and finally the un assuming pose.with Ford and Jacobs their nude images are always in a smarting ‘look at me…’ way fashion.
girl your my sister in insomnia! I just lay there then get up 6 hours later.Ive such bad insomnia honey,its just become a way of life for me unfortunately.
love love that Tom ford quote! My great great grandma was notable for saying “There is more sleep after death.”
muah x
Marian
Kathy says
Naked men = good.
Poorly posed naked men = YUCK!
Wet towels and armpit hair and untoned asses just don’t do it for me.
Full frontal? Sweet!
I’d like men to pose more like women and show the world what they’re made of. Seriously. Yet with a smile on their face. (Note I said “their” – I’m a NYC chick into multitasking).
Great blog, sweet Wendy!
Keep up the good work. No euphamism intended.
KD says
I would . . . I would . . . I don’t want to say “die”, but I would walk around like a zombie if I had no sleep. I love sleep!
enc says
Not only did you have to deal with 911 and a firefighter about the nude tree-digging man, but you had to SEE the nude tree-digging man. That’s enough to trigger a psychotic episode.
Yech to naked Tom Ford and yech to naked Marc Jacobs. Naked YSL? That’s alright with me; the image in your post was less self-seeking and less self-indulgent than the MJ and TF ones I’ve seen.
-h of candid cool says
i still adore tom ford. i may not like everything he does, but i still adore him.
that’s a crazy store about naked man!
evie says
Ah, at least Tom Ford’s replying your emails. If that’s not a sign of true blue bffs, then I don’t know what is…
Deja Pseu says
Count the rings…BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! thanks for the espresso/nose connection.
jewelrywhore says
Doesn’t ysl look like austin scarlett!!?! How bizarrely awesome.
Belle de Ville says
count the rings etc…brilliant.
And I agree with the anti-peta slogan.
market publique says
This is your best post ever! There are so many good ones, Wendy B, but I was doubled with laugther! I adore this post and nominate it as ‘Best Post Ever’. I don’t care that’s not a real contest. You rock!
123Valerie says
Oh, I love being naked, WendyB–it’s so easy to accessorize!
(P.S. “beansme” was my word verification.” Beans me. Love it!)
iñaki says
To be honest,and at the risk of sounding slightly gay, if I had a butt like Tom Ford’s I wouldn’t be ashamed to showcase it!
xx
Iheartfashion says
Tom Ford certainly is waxed to a high gloss!
I wonder if you should be concerned Wendy that you sound like a naked man on the phone…
*Lady D* says
Bahahaha!! @ your story about the naked man digging a tree. sounding like a naked man…ha, priceless! i believe you just made my day 🙂
Nina (femme rationale) says
“Even if I were closer, what was I supposed to do? Count the rings on his penis? I think that only works with tree trunks” – OMG, this made me laugh so much!
Hannah is Narnia's Closet says
wow! so funny! i had lots of laugh out loud moments. your writing style is great – very sedaris – and i love sedaris!
i’d really appreciate it if you could read a little story I posted on my blog
http://innarniascloset.blogspot.com/2009/01/love-and-marriage.html#comments
i think you’d like it and i’d love your feedback 🙂
Hannah is Narnia's Closet says
wow! so funny! i had lots of laugh out loud moments. your writing style is great – very sedaris – and i love sedaris!
i’d really appreciate it if you could read a little story I posted on my blog
http://innarniascloset.blogspot.com/2009/01/love-and-marriage.html#comments
i think you’d like it and i’d love your feedback 🙂
Swell Vintage - Frankie says
Comedy genius, as always! x
Shannon (A beautiful Dream) says
I love the idea of counting cock rings to tell age.. I wonder if that would work with Tom Ford.
TheSundayBest says
Non-contextual nudity throws me off every time. There used to be this late night cooking show where the host and cook were naked. They were wearing aprons, but still. Nudity and food just leaves me feeling nauseated.
The Fashion Pinko says
what the hell does tom ford know? he fired alber elbaz.
JuliaMazal says
Tom Ford lost me with the VF cover. If he’s all happy to disrobe, why didn’t he do it then, instead of looking like he was about to monster-chomp Keira Knightly? Bah.
As for YSL – a real legend and classy nekkid or otherwise.