I must thank gorgeous blogger The Perfect Ratio for finding and sharing this wonderful juror qualification questionnaire. “I want a donut now, you fuck!!” is going to be my new personal motto.
Click to enlargeI’ve been called for jury duty more than anyone else I know. This irritates me because I’ve done my time. In 1996, I spent six weeks on a jury for a drug-trafficking case after answering “no” to the only voir dire question I got, which was, “Do you believe all Colombians are drug dealers?” My boss was furious that I had “asked” to be on the jury by answering my question “incorrectly.” He became so threatening that the judge had write a letter informing my boss that it was against state law to penalize someone for serving jury duty. Speaking of penalizing, I should have asked the judge to throw in: “P.S. Stop touching yourself in the office.”
The “I heart rapists” on the jury form above reminds me of a Celebrity Jeopardy! skit on Saturday Night Live, when “Sean Connery” selects the category, “Therapists.”
All the Celebrity Jeopardy! skits featured Will Ferrell as beleaguered game show host Alex Trebek, struggling with moronic celebrity contestants who can’t come up with answers for categories such as “Colors that end in -urple.” Darrell Hammond plays a hostile Sean Connery in most of the skits. I once watched all 13 clips one after another, and I recommend that you do the same for maximum hilarity. See them at Funny or Die. Here’s one of my favorites, in which “Burt Reynolds” changes his name to “Turd Ferguson.” It starts out with Trebek asking the contestants to please “refrain from using ethnic slurs.” Ha! Last time I did that, I got jury duty.
Hahhaah I love that form and Will Ferrel!! Jeopardy is always playing at the pizza place by my school we always go to and though I try to resist the OH SO ENTICING program I have watched a little and here they do quite a good job making fun of it.
Hi there-I like jury service too, but I’ve only been asked the one time!!
Not big fan of his but this is funny.
Aw man, those Jeopardy skits are funnee!!!!!
Luckily I’ve not been asked on jury service but now I feel able to attempt to donut my way out of it!
Oops… I don;t know how different the jury service systems are in the UK and USA, but all the people I know who’ve been on jury service have come back after taking 2 weeks off work and just moaned about how dull it was because they weren’t assigned to a single case for the whole duration. What they don’t realise is that their hour long description of doing nothing is probably more boring than actually doing nothing…
These have to be my favorite SNL skits, dude. HILARIOUS. “Therapists” and “Apetits” – gotta love Sean Connery. LOL.
Oh yeah, and “Foreign Flicks”
This is hilarious, Thanks for the laughs and smiles Wendy, I needed it = )
omg wendy this cracks me up.
you can also get out of jury duty by moving out of the country. that seems to have worked for me ok.
😉
also, my dad who’s an attorney said the best way to get out of jury duty was to claim that you are biased and that there is no way that you could ever have your mind changed. like in the case of colombians, ‘absolutely, it’s a country of narco-traffickers i saw it on tv… they should be ashamed of themselves!’ what if you heard that they weren’t all drug dealer..’oh no, that cant be, i saw it on tv, there’s no way that program could be wrong.’
I love Will Ferrell! This is so funny!
I remember that sketch well and it still makes me laugh. Maybe if you keep thinking of them and giggle before answering any question it’ll help?
Heh. Love the “pony”. I got out of jury duty last time by answering honestly a prosecutor’s question “do you believe that drugs should be legalized?” (My answer, “yes, some of them absolutely.” Buh bye.
I’ve been asked to do jury service at least 3 times, more than anyone else I know too! My ex-boss once wrote on his form with lipstick “I don’t know you” and was never contacted again.
I’ve never seen that skit and it was hilarious. You know I had the jury duty “privilege” recently. Gotta say, not looking forward to being called on again it had nothing on your experience.
Love those Jeopardy bits!
Classic SNL. My boyfriend had jury duty last year in downtown brooklyn. He hated it. He said it was really boring and at times just sad.
the juror qualification questionnaire is hysterical!
minnie driver is in first with a commanding score of zero. lol! love that : )
I have a friend who just got picked for jury duty. I was shocked and incredulous. I gave her the third degree about having an excuse not to show up, giving ridiculous answers to the attorney’s questioning, etc. She looked at me with big eyes and asked, “Why in the world would I not want to do my civic duty?” She’s a much better human than I. I’m not sure why she keeps me around!
Next time I MUST MUST remind myself that a little racism goes a long way.
The one time I was called for jury duty and was free to serve and wanted to serve, the dispute was settled before I was ever even questioned. I was dying to be impaneled. Oh well.
I was just called again a couple of weeks ago, and petitioned to be let off the hook. We’ll see what happens. If they force me to turn up, I might have to answer some questions very creatively.
Ha, that form is brilliant x
Our next door neighbours at our old house were Colombians, and they started telling people they were from Ecuador just so everyone would stop assuming they were coke lords.
Meanwhile I escaped jury duty once by having chicken pox, once by breastfeeding, and once because the trial got cancelled due to some kind of legal technicality.
I dodged jury duty once and just didn’t bother replying back…. I’ll use this form though as a reply template….
I got asked twice to turn up for jury duty.
The first time I got out of it because I had just moved away form the state I was called up to be on the jury in.
The second time the day I would have turn up was the first day of college classes so I only had to attach the schedule to the form and sent it back to get out of it.
I cringe at the fact I may be called up yet again…nothing seems more boring to me than having to serve on a jury.
Haha! Yet to experience jury duty and am dreading it because it sounds scary!! And ew to the boss that touches himself! Barf! I have this creepy older man at work that always asks me where I’m going on the weekend.. yeah right, not telling him!
I hope I am not called in anytime soon, eeek.. But this post was hilarious!
I’ve been asked two times in two years, and both times I said I don’t get compensated at work when I take time off for jury duty and it would cause me financial hardship.
BTW I used to love those Celebrity Jeopardy skits! They ranked right up there with the Mango skits as my SNL all-time favourites.
i just snorted from laughing so hard after seeing that jury questionnaire. need a tissue…
your old boss sounds like a real ass.
My favorite thing about that form is that the dog is apparently named “TXT MSG.”
My fiance and I quote the Sean Connery skits all the time. My favorite category is when Sean Connery takes “famous horsemen” for $400.
Darn, it says the two vids are no longer available. That questionnaire is hilarious! XP