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Thursday Book Club: Empress Wu, Part II

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Welcome back to the increasingly erratic Thursday Book Club! In my last real Book Club post, I discussed Empress Wu, the only woman in the history of China to be called “emperor” during her lifetime. Since then, I’ve done a couple of fake Book Club post about Christopher Walken’s ass and books I bought while drunk.

This is the perfect time to do a follow-up post on Empress Wu, because the rap group Wu-Tang Clan is playing New York’s Hammerstein Ballroom this very night. Tickets are still available. Sadly, there is an eight-ticket limit per person. If you are a Chinese emperor who has a very large harem, you might not be able to buy tickets for all of your concubines under one credit card. Also, Chinese emperor, I regret to tell you that even though the Clan is named after a location in China famed for its martial arts, there are no actual Chinese people in the group.

The Wu-Tang guys always have good names. Chinese emperors made up their names too, but no one ever came up with Emperor Ol’ Dirty Bastard. ODB was one of the founding Wu-Tang members; he died of an overdose in 2004, two days before he turned 36. That’s not old at all. He was more of a Young Dirty Bastard. Maybe that’s why his other aliases included Big Baby Jesus. Anyway, other original members of the group included RZA (“rizza”), GZA (“jizza”), Method Man and Masta Killa. If you want to find out what your Wu-Tang name is, go to the WuName Generator, enter your name and click “Wu am I?” I am “Sullen Choirboy.”

Anyway, if you put all those Wu-Tang rappers together, they wouldn’t be half as tough as Empress Wu. Empress, a novel by Shan Sa, does a good job of conveying Wu’s kill-or-be-killed attitude. It includes one of the most famous stories about her. When the Emperor Taizong had a mean, wild horse that no one could tame, Wu, one of the lower-ranking concubines, offered to do it. All she needed was a whip, a hammer and a dagger. “First, I shall give him a lesson with the whip,” she said. “If he disobeys me, I shall blow him on the head with the hammer. If he still rebels, I shall slit his throat.” The Emperor was totally LOL over this, because that’s exactly how he was dealing with some annoying ethnic groups that needed conquering.

 

Actress Li Li Hua played the title role in the 1963 movie Empress Wu

The novel has plenty of good sex scenes, which would no doubt delight Wu biographer Nigel Cawthorne, but it outdoes him in the girl-on-girl department. Or, rather, the concubine-on-concubine department. Hey, the ladies didn’t get to see the emperor that often. They had to do something to while away the hours.

Li Li Hu as “Crazy Eyes” Wu

As delightful as the love scenes are, I much prefer the Wu we get after she outplays, outwits and outlasts two emperors and takes over personally. In a speech to the Forbidden City she says, “I am not afraid of treacherous, rebellious men.” She goes on to name three rebels and list all their intimidating qualities. “Those three men were believed to be indomitable! When they tried to betray me, I cut off their heads.” Suckas!

Empress is the kind of historical novel I really like. Wu’s head-chopping habit is placed in the context of the societal and political challenges of her time, giving her justification without making her a misunderstood innocent. She’s neither a sociopathic dragon lady nor a slandered sweetie-pie. At the end, when her spirit meditates on the centuries that have passed since her reign and on her own reputation, I had tears in my eyes. Wu really did request that her stele, or gravestone, be left blank. The fictional empress says, “Some see this lack of inscription as a symbol of my humility: I wanted to give men the opportunity to inscribe it with their blame or their praise. Others interpret it as an expression of overweening pride from a woman who became emperor: No one can comment on my destiny.” I’m voting for option #2. No one should dare comment on her! Except for me. I would love to go visit her gravestone one day. After, all the world will marvel at the red-lipstick message that has appeared as if by magic on the blank tablet: KNEEL BEFORE WU.

The blank monument to Wu

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Comments

  2. I love Wu-Tang Clan! I got to be Lazy-Ass Destroyer when I fed my name into the box. And ODB apparently performed at gigs while on the run- something I didn’t know till the papers reported his death.
    Wu does sound like quite the woman. I bet she wore plenty of whatever the equivalent of red lipstick was, in those days- she’d probably approve :)…

  3. Whoa she got one huge ass penis as a monument, good going Wu!

    Blowing people’s heads can get a girl into more trouble than she’d like… I just thought I’d put that out there.

  4. Whoa she got one huge ass penis as a monument, good going Wu!

    Blowing people’s heads can get a girl into more trouble than she’d like… I just thought I’d put that out there.

  5. Whoa she got one huge ass penis as a monument, good going Wu!

    Blowing people’s heads can get a girl into more trouble than she’d like… I just thought I’d put that out there.

  6. Miss J always wanted a WuName and now she has one:

    Fiendish Observational Comedian

    S’up ya’ll?

    Fo short, ya’ll can use FOC.

  8. I like any book review that references Wu-Tang and girl-on-girl action.

    To sum up, this is the only book review I have ever enjoyed.

  10. Heh heh, I remember that book review. I miss your book reviews, even the ones about European ladies with complicated lineage.

  11. I think it’s pretty interesting how you start a blog (one of the reasons) to promote your jewelry but you manage to write incredibly stories and not only about your jewelry;)

  14. I have decided that I will always listen to your book reviews,I loved The other Boleyn girl

  15. great post!
    have an excellent time at the wu-tang concert, i bet itll be a fantastic show
    be sure to tell us allll about it

  17. I love Wu Tang-Clan!!!! Those dudes were my favorite rap singers when I was 10, I loved that kind of music back in the days

  18. I hope her make-up was as good as it’s portrayed in the film – it’s pretty fierce!

  28. Hi Wendy

    Just a note – my blog is not forwarding me any comments so I just realized you left one saying it’s A-OK to exchange links – I am adding all yours today to my site and blog!

    Thanks – Cherie

  29. hahaha you make book clubs interesting!
    plus, the wu-tang clan never gets old. never.

  36. omgosh!! i’ve heard plenty stories about her as well as having seen plenty of chinese series about her!! and oh, how funny!! i want to to the theatres to watch them too!! sounds so cool and refreshing!!

  37. Okay, that’s it. I am now the official Wendy Brandes’ number one fan in the whole of Spain as well as the president of the fans club—The WB clan club.
    This post just made me laugh so hard, I was in tears.

    We shall kneel before wu, wendy.

    Besos!
    Grand Moff Puppeteer

  39. You are so fabulous! My Wu-Name is:
    Sabre-toothed Portillo, and for the life of me I can’t figure out what a ‘portillo’ is but it sounds like something you’d make a handbag out of :O You definitely deserve a giant phallic symbol of your very own…

  40. “Sadly, there is an eight-ticket limit per person. If you are a Chinese emperor who has a very large harem, you might not be able to buy tickets for all of your concubines under one credit card“

    hahaha, that really made me laugh.

    I haven’t heard Wu Tan clan before, I’m not really a rap fan.

    (:

  41. No prob Wendy. And oh, I blogged about you today. Hope you can drop by my site.

    Annual fees, check.
    (your picture in) Banners, check.

    World domination will start on the Spanish shores, your highness. lol.

    Besos!

  42. hee..hee..hee… “Crazy Eyes!” I think I saw that chick at the pizza parlor last night.. or it might have just been all the beer she had imbibed. Hard to tell…..

  43. Hi Wendy
    I went by your other blog and freaked out thinking that you were not accepting any comments !!!

  44. Sorry, Bunny! I wanted to back up some of my posts elsewhere, just in case Blogger never frees up this blog, but I didn’t want to have to babysit the comments against spam, etc.

  45. Spam??? What’s up with that! What can I do to help free up your blog??

    Do we need to get an online petition going to free up your blog?

    Grrrr.

  46. Altamira, Blogger’s automated service said it would take four days after I first protested to decide whether or not I was spam. I first found out I was blocked and complained on the 18th. So my deadline is now looming! It’s all been very annoying, especially as I recently got some comment spam and there’s no recourse for that, yet I who am not spam have somehow been penalized by anti-spam robots!

  47. WHAT???? this spam thing is the most hilarious thing ever!!
    i back up altamira, let us know if we need to campaign, you will get more famous than obama/hillary.
    4 days?? who’s the person behind this? who needs 4 days to figure wether or not a blog is spam!? you must upset someone really bad W… its funny because there’s SO MANY advertising blogs out there full of crap and no one tags them as spam or anything like that…

  48. Oh no! It gets worse. I just reread the email they sent me and they are unlocking it in four BUSINESS days, not four days.

  50. Hi Wendy!! Just visited your blog and I’m in love hihih…gonna link you in my fave blogs section…do you mind?? 🙂