Wendy Brandes Jewelry Blog

Never Is the Next New Thing

Obsessions. Some Old, Some New.

by

1. Actor Sam Waterston‘s eyebrows. I think the long-time Law & Order cast member deserves three Emmys: one for him and one for each eyebrow. I always feel like the brows are acting out little plots of their own. No other eyebrows are so special. Admittedly, some people would vote for Martin Scorsese‘s. While I’m a huge fan of Goodfellas, his eyebrows don’t do it for me. Sorry, Marty.

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2. Mothra. He/she/it has vast, mighty wings; heroically died protecting an egg from Godzilla; and is known to frequent the fashion blogosphere. Interesting factoid: Mothra can’t wear hats due to the antennae issue.

“Leggo my eggo, bitch!”

3. Coco. What’s not to love? In addition to her ample talents, she’s the beloved of Ice-T, another one of my Law & Order-related obsessions. I like how Ice-T scares confessions out of TV villains and that he loves Coco so much that he included her in the cover art for his CD. Check out that album art. The word that comes to mind is “elegant,” no? Okay, that’s not the word. I wonder if Coco and Ice-T are the people who found my blog by Googling “ass jewelry”! Mr. and Mrs. T, please call me! We’ll do a custom design.

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4. My old standby obsession: fish feet. Christian Louboutin! Please send me these shoes! Size 6.5. But it’s kind of hard to predict what will fit me. Hmm. You’d better send sizes 6 through 7. In my fantasies, I get these shoes, go out with a camera and make strangers on the street pose with me while they point to my shoes with exaggerated expressions of horror. Then I post all the pictures here. What?! Don’t give me that look! I bet you have pervy fantasies too! Jesus! At least I don’t write slashfic!

The day I get these, I will dance on tabletops all over New York.

5. Latex, PVC and patent leather. My most recent latex post is here.

6. Korea. I once went Seoul with my friend Deb. We had some exciting experiences, including getting belched at (Deb) and pinched by old ladies (me). I have no idea why this trip led to a decade-long obsession. It has also led to an annoying habit of making American-born acquaintances of Korean descent (none of whom have been to Korea) talk for hours about Korea. I’m sorry, Mike. I just can’t seem to help myself. In my defense, I recently delighted a tourist from Seoul by saying “thank you” in Korean while giving him directions to the Empire State Building. I know HE should have thanked ME, but I don’t know how to say “you’re welcome.” If any of you peeps go to Seoul, watch out for old ladies who wear matching outfits and run around in packs.

Below is a photo of me on the border of North and South Korea back in 1990-something. The handsome army dude is thinking, “Why do I always have to pose with the crazy ones?” The guy in back of us is a spy. Kidding! He’s looking for the Empire State Building. I told him to take the Lex! Pay attention next time.

Have you ever seen anyone more thrilled to visit a demilitarized zone?

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Comments

  2. hahahahahahahahaha Wendy your hilarious! Calamine lotion accident and Coco described as elegant! I think i have heard it all! Great post! And is coco’s but real? it cant be can it?

  3. I once saw those Louboutins on ebay ages ago, before everyone, their mothers, and their freakin grandmothers started using it. They went for a measly $115, and I could have kicked myself for not bidding.

    They would have been so cheesily fantastic with the underwater sea creature dresses from the latest Tsumori Chisato collection.

    And Coco? I nearly spit my coffee from laughing!

  4. Shaz, you have hit upon the key question of our times: Is Coco’s ass real? Even as I type, theologians, medical doctors, investigative journalists and perverts all over the world are studying this issue (please note, perverts generally overlap with the other categories). It is truly a mystery. As my friend Monika, a top forensic photo expert, said, “I saw one (photo) that made me question gravity.”

  6. I keep expecting Bones and her crack team of… science-y people to solve the case of Coco’s ass. Ooh. Now there’s a Nancy Drew title.
    I love how happy you look next to the soldier! You are beaming!

  8. !!! Funny that I would forget about Sam in Gatsby when I have a necklace named for Mia Farrow in Gatsby!

  9. Coco is not real. She’s a scientific experiment gone wild, a mix of Jessica Rabbit and Pam Anderson with a rubber ducky. The orbit of her ass gives me motion sickness. Seriously!
    “top forensic photo expert”-BWAH and thanks!

  11. mothra is real… and i just informed him that you have posted about him! i’m sure he is delighted!
    🙂

    i, by the way am tickled pink…

  13. Jennine, I feel all tingly when you say “Mothra” like that! Thanks re the hair, my husband was mocking it last night. WTF! At least I have hair, Mr. Laugh-Head!

  14. I love your fish shoes posts. You need to get them Wendy, if only to post about diffrent ways of wearing them everyday:)

  17. Seriously, Wendy, I think I get about half of what you write. And you are seriously hysterical. Thanks for making me smile!

  19. That is so cool that you were on the border of North & South Korea, that is one of the places I want to see. Great post! thanks for your comments on my blog! 🙂

  20. Those eyebrows need a good groomer!
    I swear i am stunned into silence every time I see Coco.Those proportions are not real!

  24. Lovely post =)

    Those fish shoes are so cool, i wouldn’t mind owning a pair myself ;).

    My mother watches the law and order too, and i usually join her, she gets so excited and she thinks she’s part of the team, she finds everyone suspicious about the crime. Whatever =) i love that actor’s eyebrows too 😉

    x

  28. LOL!!
    Just a thought on ass jewelry. Why don’t you design something that can be placed in between the cheeks that somehow juts out/peeks out from the top of pants waistline. Coco would luurrrrve it.
    If it’s classy enough, you may even create a market for it!

  34. Wendy your hilarious!!!!!!!!!!.

    LEGGO MY EGGO BITCH. hahaha omg. Wow. I seriously hope they make your size. The fish shoes need your feet.

    🙂
    PS:
    I think cocos body is 80% silicon.

  35. wendy, you’re on to something with the ass jewelry… make a poison ring trinket of sorts that opens when you squeeze your buns together… damn, that makes my ass laugh.

  36. oh boy… i really hope you get those fish shoes soon. if you’re so obsessed about them now, i wonder what you will do once you actually get your hands on them. :p

  38. LOL @ BB. There’s something about my big smile that makes me look weirdly and/or inappropriately ecstatic in many pictures. Seriously, someone recently saw an old picture of me with a guy from school and said, “Oh look, you were having a great time” and I wasn’t even SPEAKING to that guy that day and I never spoke to him again because he so offended me. My sister says I have “Betty Rubble” eyes when I smile. Maybe that has something to do with it!