Last night, I had the horrifying realization that my almost-husband Paul McCartney was at the Vanity Fair Oscar party on Sunday and — somehow — I didn’t see him. Best!Party!Ever! turned into Worst!Missed!Opportunity!Ever! in the blink of an eye.
I started desperately searching for information about what time Macca and his lovely wife arrived at the event, hoping that it was really late … or really early … or during the time that I was in a photo booth. Anything! Anything to explain this catastrophe! As I pored over photos and articles, guess what I found? A picture of actual-husband MrB peering over Ben Affleck’s shoulder.
That inspired me to check Getty Images for more of MrB. Here he is with Ben and Jennifer Garner (MrB says, “I prefer to think of myself as photobombing Jennifer Garner” rather than Ben Affleck.) Here he is smiling in the vicinity of Paula Patton. And here’s the jackpot photo: Both of us sneaking past Paula.
Look at me holding onto MrB’s hand for dear life! I had never worn those shoes before and the train of that velvet dress was heavy. I was sure I was going to fall — red-carpet roadkill — and I figured it would serve me right for commenting on Jennifer Lawrence’s stumbles earlier in the evening. On the bright side, if I had wiped out and died of embarrassment, it would have been a good reason for missing McCartney. “She was so close to fulfilling her decades-old dream of touching Sir Paul,” MrB would have told my parents, “but, tragically, she expired from shame right before the opportunity arose.” But, seeing as I stayed upright and lived to make it into the party, what’s my excuse?
SOMEONE PLEASE FIX THIS FOR ME AND BRING ME TO PAUL MCCARTNEY STAT! I swear I will not embarrass you or him. I’ll just calmly shake his hand, say “Nice to meet you!”
then tie him up and drag him away to my lair and that’s all. In the meantime … as kids these days say on Twitter … BRB. Crying.