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Monday, November 5, 2007

A few months ago, my husband talked me into buying a vintage Herve Leger bandage dress. I wore it for the first time this weekend. I can carry off tight. I can even carry off short. But short and tight? I felt like a hoor, as they would say on The Sopranos. Or mutton dressed as lamb, which they wouldn’t say on The Sopranos. However you describe it, I was quite mortified, but I spent good money on this dress and by God I was going to wear it.

The top half looks fine.

Help! I’ve fallen into a bandage dress and I can’t get out!

I consoled myself by thinking, “Straight men think this is the Best!Dress!Ever!” Of course, straight men also like Hooters outfits and I never wear one of those except behind closed doors. Ha ha! That’s a lie. I actually prefer a cottontail and bunny ears for a perkier blogging experience.

Anyway, I was proven correct in my straight-men theory when I received an email from a (straight, male) friend whom I shall call “Thomas Wriothesley.” Thomas wrote: “i must say yr dress was spectacular — OMG OMG OMG … since you were reluctant to go up and down even one stair, i figured asking you to polish my shoes was outta the question HAHAHAHA.” Oh, look, there goes my husband out the door. He’s muttering something about “kicking that guy’s ass.”

Full-length photo has been censored.

Despite this rave review, I decided that when I wear this dress again, as I must in order to amortize the cost, I might feel less naked with closed-toe shoes, tights, a cottontail and/or a burka.

Luckily, my uncomfortable outfit and the glares of other women did not lessen my enjoyment of the play we went to see. “A Royal Mess” is a comedy about Henry VIII and Anne of Cleves. Really! It was like it was written just for me. My friend, “Thomas Wriothesley,” is a member of the amateur theater club that put on the production and he played Thomas Wriothesley. I was going to encourage everyone in New York to go see this, when I noticed that it’s by invitation only. Ooh la la! Very exclusive, Thomas!

We all had drinks after the play and I tipsily lectured several people at length about Henry, AnneC, Katherine Howard and assorted other Tudor figures. When I stopped to take a breath, they all ran for their lives, except for a bunch of guys who wanted me to polish their shoes.

But what really made my night was Thomas’s discovery of the New York Post’s coverage of Henry VIII. And this image from the club’s newsletter.

I just noticed that the newsletter says, “Ushers will deny admittance to those who are inappropriately attired.” Whew! Close call for me.

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33 Responses to “Dressing for All the King’s Men”

  1. Lynette says:

    You’ve done yourself proud with this one, WendyB! Humor reigns as did the king and his various queens. Laughter is so good for the soul. Thanks.

    And thanks for stopping by to visit with Flat Stanley. He said to tell you that his shoes are laminated, so you’re safe with him!

  2. Jello on Springs says:

    Your post was quite the humorous read. Kudos to you for wearing the dress and getting through the night. I bet in spite of things you looked fabulous. I on the other hand could never be able to pull of both tight and short because i have what my friends call “child-bearing” hips lol.

  3. cotton candy says:

    lol. i was cracking up at your introduction. you are so cute! ^^ and you look fab in that black dress.

  4. Vintage Bunny says:

    I can bet that you looked gorgeous!You are perfect for a bandage dress.I wish I could !I have a stomach that could kill a thousand men !

  5. In Yr Fshn says:

    Man, I wish we could see the whole picture, but I’m sure it looks gorgeous! And, of course, I love the necklace.

  6. Debbie Shiamay says:

    You look absolutely fantastic! Such a sweet smile!

  7. Aretha says:

    That’s so funny, the straight male opinion always has the wrong idea of what we want for elegant hahah

  8. Moira says:

    Excellent choice to wear the dress! (Even though you’re a bit of a tease not to share the whole pic with us.)

    My friend who is several decades older then me always reminds me to “wear it now while you can.” When I look back at some of the things I wore, I’m glad I listened to her, because she was right, those babydoll mini-dresses I wore then, don’t hang so right on women of a certain age (like me — now).

  9. Old Wom Tigley says:

    I dropped by to say thank you for visiting me over at Wiggers World, so I came by, read your post, laughed at your humour, admired the dress and the person in it, loved the smile and cheeky eyes… oh! yes nearly forgot my mission then..
    Thank you for taking the time to comment, glad you liked the pictures and you are most welcome to call anytime.

    My mother used to call dresses like that.. Bingo dresses…
    Eye’s Down.. Look In..


  10. applevenusian says:

    you look lovely, wendy b! i wish i could walk around in a bandage. i am sure you pulled the look off with pizzaz and SHAZAM!!

  11. jennine says:

    What a pleasure it is to read this post! Yeah, if it were up to straight men, we’d all be wearing roberto cavalli for h&m.

  12. atelier says:

    You look nice in that dress.Tight and short it’s ok while you are comfortable. I wish we could watch the whole pic.

  13. WendyB says:

    ^^I was originally going to post the whole picture but then I thought, “How would I feel if someone borrowed it and put it on another site all out of context?” I decided I might not be that into it!

  14. Miss Janey says:

    Not fair! Of course, everyone wants to see the missing bottomw half.

  15. Lady N says:

    I so want to see what you look like in that dress!! I bet you look fabulous! Your post had me laughing!

  16. deexdeexdreamer says:

    haha what a bridget jones ordeal! Luckily u looked stunning (at least top up, since we never got to see the full outfit,hint hint) and i bet it felt good to act a lil naughty just this once!

  17. Romeika says:

    You have a great figure, you can carry off the look! hahaha Though as you said yourself, short and tight, oh well! But it was quite a funny post, especially the little pic in the middle:-p

  18. Heather says:


    you’re purdy, as we say here in Kentucky…

    don’t think I’m creepy…

  19. Top Noir says:

    From what I can see … I think you look amazing!

  20. roller coaster teacher says:

    Yeah, yeah, post the whole outfit!

  21. Mothra says:

    Mothra longs to have feet.

  22. Mothra says:

    And Mothra wants to know why pictures of Wendy the B when clicked on lead to a jewelry site and not a larger photo?

  23. WendyB says:

    I was wondering when someone was going to ask me that, Mothra. You are an alert monster. The answer is: I don’t want to be studied too closely. I am against hi-res and hi-def. I believe in soft-focus and too much flash. I’m sorry about the feet. It’s a pity you can wear neither hat nor shoes. But the wings are very stylish.

  24. Fashion Tidbits says:

    but why is it that I wish to see the rest of the photo?

  25. Blue Floppy Hat says:

    I meant to comment earlier, but my computer hates me and ate my comment…you look great! I know short and tight present their own little range of issues when paired up, but the best part of the whole thing was the smile- you rock the red lippy like no one’s business.

  26. Carolina Lange says:

    Funny post! You look great with the dress and the necklace is so beutiful!

  27. Lillian says:

    I demand that we see the full dress without you in the picture! Let’s leave it up to the blogging community to determine if it’s too short 😉

  28. Kaye says:

    Like everyone else- wish I could’ve seen the whole dress! From what I can see- you look sensational in it!

  29. WendyB says:

    No, no, a thousand times no! 😉
    I can’t share the shocking full-length photo.

  30. Shaz says:

    your husband shouldnt be going around wishing to kick anybodies ass, firstly it was his little idea to make you get the dress, but he had overlooked the possibility of other men gawking at your figure (he didnt honestly think that you were going to spend big bucks on this sexy dress to wear strictly indoors did he?)

    and secondly, he’s already got you!!! 🙂 so the rest can look but can’t touch…lol

    wish you had put your whole picture up, i bet it looked fabulous

  31. WendyB says:

    LOL…all good points, Shaz.

  32. Micgar says:

    I was wondering…how do you embiggin your photos? I am doing…research on dresses…or something. I’m with the Mothra guy!
    As a straight guy- you look great! I am just saying! No weirdness intended!